Apple Pie
by aptasi
Summary: There's something a bit kitschy about family holidays in an international criminal organization.


Summary: There's something a bit kitschy about family holidays in an international criminal organization.

Standard Disclaimer: I'm just a fanfiction writer. All hail the rightful owners. I've used the Carmen persona from the Earth series, but some of the villains are from elsewhere in the franchise. I've also taken a few years off Patty Larceny's age. Happy Thanksgiving.

* * *

"This is ridiculous!" Carmen muttered derisively, glaring at the mass of flour and Crisco in front of her.

"What's ridiculous, boss? Oh my!" Hannah said as she rounded the corner into the manor's kitchen.

"What?" Carmen demanded, putting her flour covered hands on her hips. They left white hand prints on the black cat suit. Not that it mattered because Carmen was already completely covered in the stuff.

"Nothing… it's just…" Hannah giggled. "You look like Sara that time she was trying to see if a suspension of baby powder in air was an effective cover for an escape."

The boss glared. "I'm getting a little sick of getting told I look like Sara."

Hannah flinched.

Looking up and sighing, Carmen apologized. "Sorry… I'm just on a short temper because I can't seem to get this dough to roll out. It just keeps cracking."

"Don't you have a cook?" Hannah questioned.

"Yes." Carmen hit the dough forcefully with her open hand. "But she's getting the week off to visit her four children, ten grandchildren, seventeen cousins, and" she angrily slammed against the mixture again, "three cats in Florida."

"And so you decided it was a good time to have your entire organization for a dinner party?" Hannah said, feeling like she was playing with fire by asking.

"I invited the people who didn't have any invitations for the holidays." Carmen said, resting against the counter. "How was I to know that meant everybody?"

The henchwoman cast around for an answer. It had seemed obvious to her that most of Carmen's minions didn't have stable families, but she saw how her boss might have maintained a delusion about that. Carmen could be alarmingly shortsighted when it came to interpersonal relationships.

"Dare I ask about the turkey?"

"The turkeys" Carmen corrected. "And they are in the oven." Carmen answered briskly, glancing at what looked like a very complicated flow chart of side dishes and cooking times. "On schedule."

"Ok, that's good…"

"But I can't get this…" Her boss growled. "To work. It keeps caving in!"

"No one cares how the crust looks. Or couldn't you have just bought some pies?" Hannah suggested, though she suspected that her question was entirely too logical for this situation.

"No…They have to be perfect."

"You know, I get how you've got to be all superhuman about breaking into things and stuff, but I don't think anyone at VILE expects you to be able to bake."

"That's not it…" Carmen finally said slowly.

"Ah, I see." Now Hannah got it. However, she wasn't going to psychoanalyze her boss especially in front of her. She started to walk away.

The master-thief called after her. "Where are you going?"

"To find you someone who can knows how to make pies!"

* * *

"Seriously?" Carmen asked incredulously. "You?"

"Yeah, boss." Lars answered.

"You? You can bake?"

"Yes boss I can…"

Carmen's mouth dropped open. "How?"

"The ladies like a guy who can cook." Lars explained with a winning smile.

"Ok… this is starting to make more sense." The boss admitted.

Lars grinned.

"Fine then," Carmen said briskly. "What am I doing wrong?"

Lars reached over and touched the dough. "It's too warm."

"What?"

"Your ingredients are too warm. That's why they're not rolling out. It's hot as blazes in here, boss."

"But we can fix it?"

"Yeah, no problem."

Carmen breathed a sigh of relief.

* * *

The VILE thanksgiving dinner was absolute chaos.

When one gets 231 criminals together in one room, it might be reasonable to expect such disaster. However, for once in her life, Carmen hadn't thought the plan through.

Moe, despite there being no alcohol available had somehow gotten drunk and was picking a fight with Sara Bellum, who was already in a fight with Doctor Belljar.

Carmen had moved Patty Larceny about ten times because the young girl kept ending up at tables where the adult criminals wouldn't stop talking about well… non child appropriate topics. She'd finally left the girl at a table with Lars and Hannah, reasonably sure that these two at least would behave.

Jacqueline Hyde either loved or hated the food, depending on which half of the minute one talked to her in, and was quite vocal about it either way.

Mason Dixon appeared to take offense at the whole concept of something as Yankee as Thanksgiving, but had showed up anyway.

Medieva wouldn't stop talking in rhyme and it wasn't going over well.

Bugs Zapper may or may not have gotten insect repellent on the sweet potatoes.

The master thief was running around like crazy, trying to make sure everyone was fed and not killing each other.

Hannah and Lars sat and chatted, sipping apple cider and watching the chaos.

"Oh… this isn't good." The henchwoman muttered, looking around in trepidation.

"People are messing up, and Carmen's annoyed." Lars declared boredly. "How is this different from a normal day."

"Because Carmen really really wanted today to go well." Hannah whined.

"She always does."

"But it's Thanksgiving…" Hannah explained, lowering her voice. "I mean Carmen's never had a happy Thanksgiving before."

"Did the boss tell you that?" Lars demanded.

"Well no…" Hannah admitted sulkily, pushing her stuffing around on the plate. "But she can't have. And this morning she was working so hard on everything…"

Lars thought for a moment as he ate his turkey. "So this was supposed to be her first good holiday?"

"I think so… I mean look how obsessed she got over the pies. Why try to make them herself when she could just buy one?"

"I don't know…" Lars muttered, clearing his plate of the delicious food. "But you might have a point."

* * *

"Carmen!" Sara shouted. "Moe is…."

"Not now Sara…"

"He says I'm…"

"You can talk to me about this.." Carmen said briskly. "When I've cleared the tables and served dessert."

"But…" Sara protested.

"Just…" The boss said testily, pointing to a spot on the ground. "Stand there and hold still Sara!"

* * *

"Can I take your plates?" Their boss asked, and they were all a little too self conscious to figure out if it felt weird or intrinsically normal to have Carmen cleaning up after them.

"What's for dessert?" Patty asked, cheerfully.

"Apple pie." Carmen answered.

The little girl's face lit up. "You made apple pie?"

With peaceful eyes the master-thief responded. "Well I remember you told me it's your favorite."

When Carmen brought Patty a slice of the pie, with a perfect golden crust, the child squealed. "It's so pretty."

The master thief walked away, looking like the happiest person in the world.

Lars and Hannah exchanged glances.

"Oh I get it!" Hannah said.

* * *

"OK, Sara. Let me hear it. What is all this about…"

"Moe is convinced that I'm trying to poison him, but I'm not this time because… What are you smiling about?" Sara suddenly asked.

Carmen's face was a picture of serene contentment. "The pies turned out well."

Sara didn't comprehend.


End file.
